The blood rushes to my head
And the anger pushes through my veins
The memories come flooding back
I close my eyes and start to spin
My mouth opens to scream
But only silance comes out
My thoughts turn black and white
And the cuts start getting deeper
I can feel the puddle of blood grow bigger
And a feeling of comfort over takes me
The sadness comes in waves
I start to laugh out loud
As I dig my nails into my face .....

It looks so beautiful outside. I should be fishing or something but no I get to sit inside in pain because of this stupid burn on my leg. Curse my own stupidity. I'm so tired. I think I managed to get all of three hours of sleep between last night and this morning. I'm so bored. I got to see Josh last night which was awesome. Though not near long enough. And considering that my leg was killing me. So he brings up the whole distance thing which really sucks. Distance so doesnt help relationships. I was engaged to a guy and we lived like two hours apart. Needless to say it didnt work. He was controlling anyways and considering none of my friends liked him it was bound to end anyways. It got me thinking though. I so dont wanna have to go through that again. Not fun. I like I've mentioned a thousand times before I really like him and would like to see things work. I just gotta stop thinking about negitive things. :) So I'm debating on getting my kids another pool. We've got the hot tub that they loved to play in last year. And they played more with the sprinkler under the trampoline. The pool really didnt get played with. Idk.

Where were you when I started to scream
Where were you when I started to cry
How can I forget the pain
How can I cover the scars
Where were you when I broke my promise
Where were you when the blood fell red
I wanted you
Thought I needed you
When I close my eyes I can see your face
In the whispers of the night I can hear your voice
And in the rain I can taste your lips
It still hurts
And I still cry
And scream
And bleed
I hated you
When I thought I loved you .....

My ex showed up at the bar last night. I ended up getting drunk enough to sing Foolish Games from Jewel. Yay and I did good. Haha right. I was only good because everyone was drunk and thought it sounded good. Lets see, nothing to interesting happened. He came over and we talked for a minute. I think I was kinda mean to him, opps, oh well. He wrote in his myspace blog that I was a horrible person and that all the problems we had were my fault. I remember telling him the only reason that he wrote that was because he was looking for sympathy. It just pissed me off because he was the one who decided that he needed space to think about things. We were only together for like two months, I dont know what he needed to think about either we were together or we werent. Its that simple. I told him that I wasnt going to wait. The whole time we were together the only thing he did was worry that he was going to make me mad or something. He was never just himself. The relationship was never going to last that way anyways. Blah blah blah. Anyways yesterday at work went well. I liked being back and the customers we happy to see me. My boss stuck me out on the floor by myself for the whole place. I got my ass kicked. Every time I got caught up more people filed in. Damn those people who need to eat. :) I remember worse nights then that. I forgot how much I liked to waitress. Its actually fun and I made good money with it. I gotta go in for a couple hours on friday and I think on Saturday also for a couple hours. So....yeah.... I think I ran out if things to say, well for now atleast.

So jelous am I
Of things that dont exsist
So hurt am I
From thoughts only I think
So comforting are your words
If only I could believe them
So afraid of what might happen
If you decide to leave
So deep are the cuts
That I leave in my flesh
So painful is the look in your eyes
When you see all the wounds
So sorry I am
But I cant seem to stop
So sorry I am .....

Hi, hi. I'm so tired today. I cant seem to get myself together. I work at four. Yay! I start waitressing today. I'm excited. Although I have to take the whole place myself. It's been two years since I've done that. This should be interesting. Oh well I'm a good waitress so I'm not worried. It's gonna suck running my ass off with the burn on my leg though. I gotta work friday though. That kinda sucks. I guess I shouldnt complain bout it. I so wanna call Josh but I dont wanna bother him. I'm sad, I know. I cant help it though. He called me yesterday because he was using the envelope the I brought him and it made him think about me. Awwww. I thought it was cute. Anyways.... My kids are doing great. Naughty and fighting. In otherwords healthy and full of energy. So its all good. I should probably lay down a lil before work. To the bat cave!!!!

The breeze is blowing
Whispering to me
Sharing her secrets
Her breath is the Springtime air
Glently pushing by-
Her voice is the song of a Bluejay
And her song is the sound of the river
Her gown made of her own creations
The trees, the grass
The flowers-
Greens, blues, reds and yellows
She brushes my cheek
As she peacefully glides by
I know
I am
Home .....

Hello hello! So get this I managed to burn the hell out of my leg. Its wonderful. I guess I bumped my heating pad in the night and it got turned to high and it burned me. It's very painful. Anyways on a good note I got to see Josh a couple times this weekend. He smuggled me into his house. I even spent the night twice. I really really like him. Knowing me I'll end up doing something stupid and fucking it up. Its usually the guys that I really like that I fuck it up with. I think that I dont deserve someone that treats me right. Or atleast thats what people tell me. I guess in a sense there right and I'm working on that. Because my kids deserve it. Did I mention that I really like him. I so didnt want to get out his bed Sunday morning. I was so comfortable. He did try his hardest to keep me there for as long as possible. He did a good job for awhile. A good three hours. But like I mentioned I didnt want to go either. He's so comfortable and we have so much in common. He's sarcastic like I am, which is a way good thing. He's very easy to talk to and he listens. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he really likes me also. And I really like his hands. Tee hee hee heh heh yeah.... But seriously I am for some odd reason attracted to guys hands and I do like his. Haha and the asshole has been laughing at my leg all day. But I'm on the phone with him now so I'm outta here!

Frustrated
So afraid to let myself go
I'm so afraid of you
So afraid of myself
Painful endings
Thats whats going to happen
Away from you
Thats where I need to be
Close to you
I open my eyes
Letting reality sink in
Painful endings
I should walk away
Before it goes to far
Its already
So afraid to let it go
I'm most afraid of myself .....

Went out last night... of course, and Billy was there. He didnt say not more then two words to me and for some reason it really hurt. Not that I wanted to take him home this time or anything but it still made me feel like shit. I dont feel so bad about it today, I guess some of the reason it upset me so much was because of the alcohol. I dont know about myself sometimes. I did have an all and all good time last night. I've been hanging out with a whole differnt group of people which is cool. Although I might have a slight problem with one of there brothers. She told me that he really liked me and thats the last thing that I need right now. Hes a great guy but so not my type. Yay I got to talk to... you know I cant keep just calling him the other guy, I'm not feeling all that creative so his name is Josh. Anyways, I got to talk to Josh already today and I get to talk to him later. Haha I stayed up all night til I got my kid off to school so I wouldnt sleep through my alarm, I replyed to one of his myspace messages while I still tipsy. I told him that I really liked him and couldn't wait to see him again. Then I relized that I was pretty drunk and probably shouldn't type anymore. But he did write back that he felt the same way. Which is awesome.