Here I am once again
Alone in a dimly lit room
Staring into the barrel
In a daze of chaotic confusion
Here I am once again
Alone with my thoughts
Wishing it all over
All the people keep pushing
And I stumble closer to the edge
I fall again
All the words stabing me in the back
All the pain seeping out
I run to the edge and watch the rocks crumble and fall below me
My mind is spinning
Everything turns to black and white
Slowly fading to grey then back to reality
So I find myself here, once agian
Staring down the barrel
Wanting it all to end .....

Dear Best Friend
I'm falling apart
I need you to help me
Where do I start

Dear Best Friend
Where did you go
I called you three times
Is there something that I should know

Dear Best Friend
I cant do this alone
Please come back to me
Your all I've ever known

Dear Friend
I cant do it anymore
The pain is getting to me
Bringing me to the floor

To whom it may concern
This is the last letter I will send
The Angels here to take me
Its finally coming to an end .....

I cant take living in my head anymore. Its driving me fucking nuts. I cant think straight thoughts. Not fun at all. I feel llike a horrible girlfriend and I havent even done anything wrong. Besides being upset over everything and keeping it to myself. It's seems that when I talk the words come out all wrong and it causes more problems then not saying anything. Idk. Maybe I'm hoping for something thats not there or that I dont deserve anyways. But whatever.

So for the life of me I cant figure out what I did with my notebook with my poems. I have this problem of losing it every so often then a couple months later finding it. I'm hoping though that it doesnt take me that long this time. Things are ok otherwise. My kids just tried to sneak peanut butter and jelly outside. Fun. The other night at the bar was crazy weird. Not fun at all. I try not to think the worst in people, but how can you not. People are strange. Went to a girlfriends house last night and drank bloody marys all morning. It was cool, a change of scenery. Besides we dont hang out all that often. I've been reading Fruits Basket again. I love it and I'm almost done with volume 5. I've been looking for the rest of them but I can only find like volume 13 or 16, something weird like that. They get you all hooked then they cut you off. I'm tired. I guess thats what you get staying up all night. Yay I get to go back to Josh's house tonight. Let me tell you its been a long three days. Yay I almost forgot, I got tickets to see Puddle of Mudd! Its going to be fun fun. Cya all later.

I'm afraid your going to hurt me
I'm afraid your going to leave
I'm afraid you dont care like I do
I'm afraid I fell in love
I dont want you to kiss me
And I dont want you to touch me
Please dont come near me
I'm afraid I fell in love
Hold me- I'm frightened
Comfort me- I'm sad
Hide me- from you
I'm afraid I fell in love
Save me- from myself .....

Wow what a hot day it is. Yesterday I picked up a slip and slide for the girls and I've been greasing them up with sun block and every couple hours sending them out. I actually have a day off work. Hooray! Not counting Sundays. I'm usually hella busy on Sundays. I'm kinda tired, this heat just drags everything out of you, not to mention all the banana cream pie I've been having. Gonna go and try to enjoy the rest of my day. C-ya!

Hahaha. I so still want the ab rocket. I'm sitting here reading blogs and the commercial comes on for it. I haven't paid attention to the T.V. for atleast an hour now and here I find myself completely engrossed in the commercial. I'm such a sucker for info-mercials. Then one comes on for a cell phone clip and suddenly I find myself thinking, "I want one of those." Though I've never boughten anything off the T.V. But I've thought about it many times. Kinda a weird night at work tonight. People were coming in groups. All at the same time. I have no idea what I'm watching right now. Oh, nevermind, Jason just popped up. I really like the horror channel that I get, but they show some lame movies on here. I love horror movies. I like being scared I guess. I dont know. I really like phycological thrillers too. I love to be able to get into the mind of a serial killer. I've read tons of books about it, one of my favorate books is The Encyclopedia of Serial Killers. I dont know why, it just fascinates me that someone can kill people and look at themselves in the mirror the next day. We are naturally cannibals are we not? I guess I'm being weird again. Ever since I can remember I've obbsessed over ghosts and death and morbid things. I used to wanna be a mortician, I dont think I spelt that right but you get what I mean. I dont really want to now, I think I'm too afraid of one day having to do an autopsy on someone who was close to me. I would love to become a writter and beable to live off it, but right now logically I'm thing of working with children. I'm not sure in what department but I would defenitly love to beable to help chrildern. Theres so much I have to offer, so many real life expirences from the abuse to the self-mutilation and so on. These things had to have happened for a reason, if not my life would be a waste. Why not put them to use? Oh yeah, almost forgot about the bug incident. I ran around the house for a half hour with a fly swatter and a can of flying insect killer, which I am almost postive is for outdoor use only. This bug is huge. I would try to sneak up on it while it wasnt flying but then it would start dive bombing me so I would scream and run away. Lol I'm such a baby. Well since I didnt put up any of my poetry here's my favorate poem....

Lingering Last Drops

And whence and why come you?

We know not whence, (was the answer,)
We only know that we drift here with the rest,
That we linger'd and lagg'd- but we were wafted at last, and we are now here,
To make the passing shower's concluding drops.

-Walt Whitman