Her I am again, left alone with own thoughts
My own demons
Ashamed I am for you, for them
But mostly me
I am constantly thinking about what it was
Obsessing about what it could have been
I wonder why?
Bloody yet from the hours before
When the blade ripped apart my flesh
And now with the incects around me
And the dawns dew around
My struggle with life begains to end
I curse myself for my stupidity
And selfish rage
This time it wont just go away
I slowly begain to let go
You wouldnt understand
It just feels like the right time
Its sad that you are not here
To bid me goodbye
As I set sail in the sky ......

Staring at you, studying me
I relize you are the one
I want this to be forever
I want this to last
My mind is racing with all the thoughts
All the wonders
All the worries
When we touch all the pain is sterolized
All the saddness and sorrow is liquidized
In the background sitcom of my life
I am set on rewind
Trying find find the answer
To the question I dont yet know
Slowly I am opening
For you to come in
For you to unlock me
To find my secrets within .....

Blah blah blah... I miss Josh. I had to pick my kids up from my brothers house so I'm kinda hyper off Monster. I drank to of them on the way there and home to stay awake. I was starting to get tired about fifteen minutes from home but now I'm wide awake. My puter is being all tarded again. Damn thing. I'm depressed as all hell. It was a shitty day. I didnt get to see Josh as long as I wanted to and work hella sucked. Tomorrow should be interesting. Did I mention that I missed Josh?? Oh, ok just checking. Anyways as I was saying, I get to actually work a full eight but my leg has been hella sore and I wanted to get it checked out but now thats gonna have to wait. I really dont have anything to right about and most of it would be complaining anyways so I'm spare you all and go to bed. Night.

Hold me
For a couple seconds
Love me
If only for a minute
Care about me
Even if you pretend
I need you to want me
I want you to need me
Caress me
Like you want it
Feel me
Like it excites you
Please me
Like it pleases you
I need you to want me
I want you to help me
Talk to me
Pretend to listen
Compliment me
Even if its a lie
I need you to love me
The way that I love you ......

Hi hi. God I've been so damn tired lately. I'm sorry. Work sucked today. It was slow. I wish it was Saturday again... cept with out all the tension. That I could do with out. Haha I had a dream earlier that I was drinking milk like it was going out of style. I just drank glass after glass after glass. It was kinda weird. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a long day if I end up working twelve hours. The tips would be awesome but thats along time to be waitressing. Anyone who is or has waitressed knows that. Its a long time to have a smile painted on your face and having to be nice to bitchy mean old people. On days like that I just keep reminding myself how much I love my job. Ha ha right. Actually I keep reminding myself that the moneys worth it. Atleast my boss wont be there. Yay for that. Although she didnt bitch at me once tonight. Its kinda unusual for her. She's not happy unless she's bitching. Idk. I guess that comes with old age. Hopefully I wont be that mean when I get older. Im a pretty mellow person... for the most part. When I was in town this last weekend I seen that three on three was going on. When I lived there I was involved with this non-profit organization called Youth-Go. Every summer we would work at differnt functions going on around town like three on three and jazz fest. We would clean up the town and every October we'd put on a haunted house. I remember one year we grossed more then any other Haunted House in the surrounding area's. It was built and ran by a bunch of kids. Ofcourse with adult supervision. It was awesome though and I miss it. I practicly lived at that place when I was in middle school and some of highschool. I think every town should have a place like that for kids to go. It was free and all the adults that worked there besides a few were interns for physcology and what not. There were activities and arcade games and pool and movies and computers and on and on. It was all based around the youth to keep them out of trouble and help build there self confidence. If we felt like making cookies or shakes we organized it. If we wanted to make projects we did that. It was a cool place, I'm sure it still is but I havent been there in years. Well now that I've just bored you all to tears I'm gettin to bed.

Here I am once again
Staring down the barrel of a forty five
I just wanted to say hello
In a state of chaotic confusion
Depression and fear
I stand here again
All alone with my thoughts
And my questions
Wanting, wishing it all to end
All the people pushing
And all the people screaming
My head is spinning
And they all keep kicking and spitting
I run to the edge
I want to jump-
I want to fly
The tears begain to fall
And the darkness sets in
Black and White slowly fading to grey
Then back to reality
So here I am... once again
Staring down the barrel ....

Yay! 32-7. We kicked there asses. It was fun though. As much as I wanted to stay right where I was I did have fun. Yay and I made two home runs! The first one I walked to first base and the second one I actually hit the ball and made it to first, then home... Yay. I'm excited. Although I ended up staying at the bar longer then I wanted to. The weekend was good for the most part. Hahaha now I remember.... Ok so here we are in the back of his car doing.... things.... yeah... and this old lady pulls up with out us noticing her and just goes about here business planting flowers. So I've been thinkin boutit and i dont understand how she didnt notice us and if she did how she could just go about her business. Its not like I'm quiet about the whole thing and we we're the only other car parked there. I mean really, givin the situation what would you do? I think I would just drive away. It would be the poliet thing to do. Wow I cant believe how much i miss him already. Even though I dont know what to think about the whole situation. We had our first "fight" this weekend. I dont know what to think about it. It was... I dont know... weird. We've only been dating a lil while but what he said kinda hurt. I dont know.... it seems like I'm the problem in my relationships. I'm very self destructive when it comes to things like that. I've always been very honest in my relationships and I'm starting to see a pattren because of it. Wow, i cant belive its already past midnight. I so gotta stop drinking energy drinks. Anyways.... blah blah blah. I think I've bored you all enough. Night.

Deep dark and twisted is my mind
as I think about you
You think about yourself
as you stare into my eyes
My cold black eyes
filled with anger and hatered
I like my lips and smile
You frown and start to shake
It looks like you might cry
And I begain to laugh
I remember the pain you put on me
But I was just weak then
Now I'm strong
You get down on your knees and start to crawl
Back to your cacoon you go to wait
Wait for another of what I used to be
I thought you were gonna save me
Maybe you did .....

I dont know that I like that poem. I dont think so, but oh well. i guess it dont matter. I'm bored waiting for my work clothes to dry. I so wish that i didnt have to go there again. Once a day is enough. Atleast I'll get to be Appleton all weekend. That reminds me....Mmmmm, Banana cream pie!!! I miss my babies. They drive me nuts when I have them but when there not around I miss them. Makes no sense to me. So I'm sitting here listening to Jewel. I havent listened to this Cd in years. I still like it though. I dont wanna go back to work... did i mention that already?? Oh well, that just shows how much I mean it. Yay, I get to see my Ween tomorrow. I'm excited we dont see near enough of each other. Oh my gawd. I almost forgot. I had a really old friend that I havent seen in like ten years contact me on myspace. I couldnt believe it I was so excited. I've been wanting to find her for awhile now. Yay for that. Oh and yay! I get to play my first game on sunday. Its going to be so funny. I cant wait though. Its still fun no matter how much I suck. Hey I do have a clean work shirt. Haha... silly me. Time to hit the shower, see ya.