When a rose doesnt bloom
and flower dies
When a child is fogotten
and the light is turned off
When the sun goes down
and the moon stays up
Whan your hands are bloody
and your vision is blurry
When another fairy is dying
and the doctor is saying
"That theres no hope left
Its time to let go"
When your mohter is crying
and screaming out No
When your father is holding her
asking her to go
When you want to be held
from someone you love
When they all stop to say a prayer
you finally relize how much they cared
As you lie there and die
you relize you want to go on
Your vision is gone
and you cant hear a thing
You begain to understand
its too late to cry
its too late to say goodbye ..... ode to Bonnie

The firat suicide that I delt with was with Bonnie. A girl I went to high school with. I was in nineth and she was a year ahead of me. Most my friends back then were older then me because I got along with them better. I knew by then that the world was a fucked up shitty place but I guess that I never thought it worth killing myself over. I had aleady begun cutting by then but most were shallow hide under the watch or shirt kind. I can honestly say that I had never wanted to die any of the times i cut. I more so did it for the release it gave me. Physical pain was always better then dealing with emotional pain. I liked seeing that I bleed just like anyone else. I still like knowing that but I dont cut anymore. I was looking at my arms the other day and noticed that most of my scars you cant see. I did notice alot of nail marks though. But like I said life's all and all shitty. I have two very wonderful girls to look foward to waking up to and making life better for them. For that I am thankful. I have a goal in life because of them, besides just making it day to day. I want to be there for them as long as possible. I grew up without my mom and thats hard on a girl. They deserve me as much as I them. Its my first night without them for the weekend. I miss them. I had no one to give hugs and kisses to. Oh yeah and I miss Josh too. He came up to see me but the whole situation just confused me more. Its a hard descion to make when its time to trust someone again. I like him alot and did very quickly and it kinda scares me. Is it possible to find someone thats right for you? I'm so used to being with guys that controlled me and hated me doing anything not laughing at me everytime I go out. I woulndnt go out though if I could see a certain some one more but oh well. Its really no ones fault. No wait it is your fault. Your the one who contacted me. You just had to be all concerned and friendly and sweet. You MADE me like you. Teeheehee. But anyways works been alright besides being there all the time. I worked almost eleven hours yesterday and had to be there at eight this morning. I think I kinda miss sleep. Almost as much as Josh. ;p Speaking of sleep I just relized how tired I am. Goodnight!

Countless thoughts invade my head
As I lie here
Once again thinking about you
My thoughts interrupted by your misjudged love
My misjudged feelings
I'm trying hard to be sad
But my bodys to numb
Im trying to remember
What I'll never forgot
When I had you in my reach
You fell out of my grasp
I thought I had you in my heart
Right before that day
I almost forgot
What I was trying to remember
No matter how hard I try
I'll nerver forget .....

Hi hi. I miss Josh. Mom and I went to the casino last night and I won a hundered and thirty and walked out with a hundered. Yay. Afterwards we stopped at this great little family diner and had the best mexican food I've ever had. I didnt even know what half the shit was but it was sooo good. My mouth is watering thinking about it. Wow I dont feel good. I'm freezing too. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Nighty Night.

Unspoken words and forgotten screams
Festering somewhere behind her cool grey eyes
Cries in the night in her sleep
In her dreams he comes to her
Sometimes in black and white
Sometimes in color
The scars on her arms she cannot hide
Painful reminders of her past
In her room in the dark
She whispers his name
Slowing rocking back and forth
Trying to ease the pain
As another day slowly passes
She tries to hide the anger
Mask the guilt and the shame
She is slowly slipping away .....

Forget the ham sandwiches, I want the banana cream pie!! Yay for whipped cream!!! Hello?? Is this thing on?? Oh, sorry didnt see you there. Ok so this is me on two hours of sleep. Tada! I wonder if Batman keeps banana's in the batcave. Mmmm... banana cream pie...tee heehee. If only I could elaborate. Maybe someday. I so dont wanna have to go back to work. Not that I worked long or hard this morning but I have the counter again tonight. I was mad at first but she has me on the floor tomorrow and on Wednesday I have the place myself. I have to work Friday night now too. Not happy. Boo. I cant tell her no cause she was saying they got hella busy last Friday. I need the moneys too. Oh well, whats a girl to do?? I'll figure out something. So anyways... Hmmm???? Nothing to write about. I think I'll lay down a little while before work. Have to prepare myself for dealing with all the old people. Fun fun.

I look up and watch our reflections
Fascinated by our movements
Swallowed in complete pleasure
Consumed in complete pain
I run my fingers across your back
Pressing harder and harder
Fascinated by our movements
The pleasure on our faces
The pain in our eyes .....

Yay I got to play kareoke (or however you spell it) person for the night. It was hella fun. Even though for the longest time there were only like five of us in the bar. We did a whole lot of songs we've never sung before. I did Living Next Door to Alice with mom and Under the Bridge and Last Kiss by myself. Oh and Blister in the Sun with mom amd BBB. I'm gonna be hella tired tomorrow but it was still fun. Oh and baby it was better then Christmas.... tee hee hee. Oh and I did The Morning Song from Jewel. When I'm lying in bed with Josh I get that song in my head. I guess its a good thing. I dont know I have a lot of mixed feelings about the whole situation. I cant quiet pin-point it though. It's probably just me. Making excuses to myself why I dont derserve someone so good to me. I actually like it when he calls me silly pet names. Which os weird cause I usually make fun of people for that. I cant belive the school year is already over. My baby is going to be in first grade. I'm getting old. So its been pointed out to me that I look drug addict skinny. Idk, the thing is that when I look in the mirror I dont see skinny. I see fat. I know thats part of my self destructive, ocd whatever I have but what I cant understand is why can I know whats wrong with me but not fix it. I know I'm not fat, but its something I can control. I have no control over anything else in my life, ever. I guess it dont matter. I dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing but everytime I'm with Josh I like him even more. I'm so not ready for heartbreak but I'm so willing to risk it with him. Although I'm not used to wearing my emotions... if that makes any sense. Blah blah blah, yay! for Captian and saying stupid things. But whatever. I Should get some sleep b4 work. Sweet dreams ya' all!

What happened to the child
That I lost so many years ago
What happened to the innocence
That I no longer hold
What happened to the love
That I gave to so many
What happened to the girl
That used to be me .....

Feeling a lil better today. Seen Josh today. Haha my dad just called and hung up on me. Oh well, if its important he'll call back. I was thinking about it the other night and I wanna say that most the numbered poems are times of the day... or night. The poem 8:15 was written as a time and the rest are just numbers. It was already eight, nine years ago when most these are written. And I have one of the worst memories. Mainly because I've learned to block out alot and I smoked alot in my, however short it may be, life. Must be important, he's calling again. Lol, I thought not. So anyways...yeah. Actually I dont know what to write. I'm just bored. I'd rather be laying on Josh's couch with him. Or should I say sofa?? I always wondered about that. Haha I've always wanted to paint the town red too. One of those dont ask, dont know moments. Well time to get the kids ready for bed. C-ya.